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Dear Josh: the Finale

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Why do all good things have to come to an end?

Well, if you’re at all familiar with the classic Christmas story “A Christmas Story,” you’ll know that, much like sunny-side up eggs, killstreaks, and human life, stuff’s fragile dude. Call it imperfect design. I’m pretty sure Aquinas wrote something about it once…

Is Harambe a dead meme?

Much like Harambe, memes can never die.

Where are you going to college?

I’m not sure yet, but I’ll probably end up at Fordham. My idol and the current President of the United States went there, and it’s also in New York City, which would be dope as hell. They also have good programs in business and journalism, both of which are career paths I might be interested in pursuing. Also New York City is pretty dope.

How do I pull? Tell me your ways, Josh.

Start by planting both feet firmly on the ground. Be sure to lift exclusively with your back. As you pull you want to twist your torso just about as sharply as you can.

If all 50 states were engaged in a war against each other, which state would be victorious?

My money’s on Texas, they’ve been prepping a revolution for generations, what with all the threats of secession and abundance of gun nuts.

How do you like your eggs prepared?

Over-hard, by Emily Ratajkowski.

Recently I’ve had two dear friends fight and argue to the point of no return. Ever since they distance themselves from each other, I’ve been put in the middle of every argument and been forced to choose a side. What do I do?

Such splits are natural, it’s unfortunate you’ve been caught in the middle of one such. I would tell them that I’d no longer mediate their conflicts. If things get really ugly you can always withdraw entirely, until they get their business together. I went through a similar split with my friends and it was probably one of the most formative periods in my life.

When will they get rid of drug testing?

Just as soon as students stop doing drugs.

What are the best type of Skittles?

Well, dearest and most devoted reader, the best type of Skittle IS the red kind.

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