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Guest Writer: Conspiracy Corner 2

Guys, I’m sorry to say it, but the world is in shambles. The EU is crumbling, China is pulling islands out of the ocean left and right, and the UN is clearly trying to fulfill some kind of Satanic prophecy. From where I’m sitting, there’s only one man standing against this (besides Vlad Putin): That man is, of course, Rodrigo Duterte.

The president of the Philippines is a real leader, and honestly, I’m jealous. The Philippines has as its president a man who’s willing to threaten to burn down the UN HQ when it’s necessary; who’s tough enough not only to publicly admit he threw a man out of a helicopter, but also to openly threaten to do it again; who cares enough about his own citizens to personally patrol a city on a motorcycle and kill, direct quote, ‘about three people.’ He’s the kind of man I thought Joe Biden would be when I voted for him.

Brothers, that’s why I’m so sad that I have to mention Rod’s name within a hundred paragraphs of those words, those two words that describe something the lust for which has brought down world leaders from Gilgamesh to George III: Nazi Gold.

As you may know, after a musket-toting FDR stormed Hitler’s bunker, the Nazis sent their stolen Jew gold all across the globe for safekeeping. A large portion of it went to the Japanese-occupied-American-occupied-Spanish-occupied Philippines and has never been recovered. For decades, there has been speculation that prominent leaders in the Philippines have been profiting from their hoarded gold. I think we can finally confirm it.

Think about it: Rodrigo Duterte wouldn’t separate the Philippines from all its international ties, as he’s said he plans to, unless he had something to fall back on. He knew exactly what he was doing when he insulted Obama so much that the Philippines’ stock market dropped by hundreds of millions of dollars! He knew it didn’t matter, because any country with billions in gold reserves can just leave the economy if it wants to!

Duterte may seem like an utterly ridiculous, immature joke of a world leader, but I’ve just proven he’s the greatest political mastermind alive (I’m sorry, Justin Trudeau). Something needs to be done, or else he’ll use his gold to colonize Jupiter before we do.

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