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Dear Paul: Column #1

Joshua O’Dell’s exemplary column returns once again. However, I recently took over the column (temporarily) while Joshua is busy saving the world. Enjoy!


Q: How do I win an argument?

A: Call your opponent any of the following things: Racist, Bigot, Sexist, Homophobic, or Elitist. That should do the trick.


Q: If I wear Vineyard Vines and Patagonia am I cool?

A: If you really needed to ask this question, I’d answer with a resounding no. No, you are not cool.


Q: Would holding a large rave on school property violate any rules in the school handbook?

A: Wait, we have a handbook?


Q: How do I get the girl I like?

A: Try this pick-up line on for size: “Baby, are you my last Hagedorn essay grade?. Because you’re a 2”. 


Q: How many inches of snow makes Rockhurst declare a snow day?

A: Great question. If you happen to die on the way to school, you can be rest assured that Rockhurst will cancel school on that day. Injuries do not count and neither do car crashes or wrecks. If you are not killed on the way to school, you had better start reading your bible because you’re gonna have class!


Q: Can you stop emailing me?

A: Unfortunately, sending mass emails one of the best mediums in which to communicate with all members of the student body. Without utilizing email, it would be much more difficult for us to assure that we can progressively make your day just a little bit worse. However, don’t fret my friend. I can assure you that more surveys disguised as “Free Chick-Fil-A” emails will be permeating their way through your email inbox soon. Cheers!


Q: What is the best way to make Eggo Waffles?

A: Well, if possible, you could always attempt to use the toasters in the Dining Commons. I can assure you that your waffle will come out just as cold and uncooked as when you put it in. Eat up!


Q: Your opinions on dip snaps?

A: “I don’t answer preschool questions” — Richard Sherman 2k15


Q: Are there any unknown Rockhurst secrets that we don’t know about?

A: First, this is a rather redundant question. Second, of course there are! Did you know that you can actually cheat the Rockhurst drug tests by…


Q: What happened to Adam Horner?

A: He ate FLIK lunch for the first time ever. Hasn’t been seen since.


Q: Who do I ask for about advice on love?

A: rstaihr@rockhursths.edu.  

 

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