Guest Writer: Conspiracy Corner

I know you all think Vladimir Putin’s just a harmless, old-fashioned President of the Russian Federation. I know you’ve all seen the propaganda pictures of him nursing sick piglets back to health and hunting tiger packs and flying around the country on his dragon, delivering vodka from his magic bag to all the good Russian boys and girls. But I’m here to tell you that our mild-mannered authoritarian dictator has an alter ego.

See, Putin was born in the wrong generation. I just know he spends his time lying in bed at the Kremlin, listening to Pink Floyd and crying because he wasn’t there to join in the Glorious Communist Revolution. That’s why he’s going for the next best thing: As the saying goes, “If you can’t join ‘em, reform the Soviet Union through military conquest.”

I know it’s not easy to hear that the man whose picture is under your pillow is planning to reform the USSR, but let me show you the facts. First, Putin was a KGB agent for 15 years, and he described it as ‘the best part of his life’. He even announced plans to revive the KGB just recently, so there’s clearly some nostalgia there. He’s also called the original collapse of the Soviet Union “the greatest geopolitical catastrophe of the century,” and said that Joseph Stalin “had the right idea.”

That’s not exactly ambiguous, but here’s the final nail in the coffin: In an interview a few months ago, Putin specifically said, “It is not my goal to reform the Soviet Union.”

It’s worth noting that the interviewer never actually asked him if he wanted to reform the Soviet Union.

Yeah… I think we all know what’s going on here, Putin.

Those of you immune to Vladimir Putin’s sweet siren song might know that he’s actually already started his reconquest by annexing Crimea in 2014. Now, Crimea joined Putin easily enough. In fact, they voted 99% in favor of joining Russia, and Putin was even considerate enough to prevent any mischief by stationing Russian troops in populated areas. Man, what a guy.

But elsewhere it might not be so easy. Putin might actually have to resort to war to take some of the territory he lusts for. And once he’s got all the lost Soviet land back, there’ll be only one thing left to do before he can complete the ritual and summon Lich Stalin: Putin is going to finish the Cold War.

I used to think America would be destroyed when Jesus finally sent down his wrath against rock music and video games, but it looks like Rapture is coming early. And before you ask, no, there’s no way to defend against Putin’s army. At this point, our only hope is to evacuate to countries with no Russian minority that Putin can rescue. I’ll see you all in Vatican City.

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