Q: Hiya Josh-O! What can I do to be cool like all those other kids? I wear my hat backwards and everything, but they just make fun of me! Thanks for your help, Timmy Turner.
A: Don’t you have fairy godparents for stuff like that? Also, welcome to Rockhurst. I had no idea we had a celebrity in our midst, and I’m so glad you finally made it to high school.
Q: How on earth do you complete an honors physics lab in under 4 hours?
A: Well from what I understand, you would be better off building a time machine in those four hours, since you couldn’t possibly finish the lab in that time. At least that way you could go back in time and finish the lab at your own pace. If you’re worried about accidentally creating a rift in the space-time continuum, worry not; the fact that you finish the lab will leave you no reason to invent the time machine, so you won’t.
Q: These are annoying.
A: Dear reader, I never imagined that I would have the privilege of eduCating a student On something so basic as the structure of a properLy posed question. Usually, one begIns with a questioN word and concludes with a question mark. Please refer to my dip snapping guide (https://pnonline.org/2016/09/20/dear-josh-column-debut-edition/) for a full description of your ailment. Thanks!
Q: What’s it like writing an advice column?
A: It’s honestly one of my favorite pieces to write. It leaves me a lot of wiggle-room in terms of creativity, and I’m not looped into the structure necessitated by traditional reporting.
Q: I really want to be featured in the “Dear, Josh” column at my school, what do you think my question should be? How will I get Josh to notice the hard work I put into this?
A: Does this answer your question?
Q: How does one learn French quickly so one can impress the ladies? Asking for a friend.
A: Try not to butcher this: “Ma dame, tu ressemble une vache enceinte.”
Q: Should pieces critical of Rockhurst be allowed in the Rock Collection/Prep News?
A: My personal opinion is that they absolutely should, but the school often seems to disagree. We are a school publication after, all, and the place for that sort of discourse would be student government. Despite all that, however, I think it’s part of our job to shed light on some facets of the school that could use improvement.
Q: Am I Michael Jordan?
Q: Why is it seen as a social stigma to show or discuss true emotions at Rockhurst? There are very few groups that are capable and willing to actually discuss real aspects of life and it results in a plethora of insecurity among the student body.
A: I’ve noticed that as well, reader. From what I understand, this concept is called “masculinity.” Some “men” subscribe to this belief under the assumption that everyone will consider them “manly” if they do. This condition affects men the world over, not just at Rockhurst. I like to think that eventually our peers will grow out of it. Some groups call this term “toxic masculinity,” but I personally think that a stereotype of this nature can only hurt people, so there’s no point distinguishing toxic and non-toxic masculinity. A more in-depth discussion of this concept can be found in my feminism piece, which will be in this year’s first Quarterly magazine.
Q: When is Tupac coming back?
A: He can’t ever come back. He changed the world and faked his death, so he probably thinks it’s best to lie low for the rest of his natural life. Don’t worry, however. He gets around.