SATIRE: iPads roll in, locker unemployment rate skyrockets

2014 marks the first year that Rockhurst goes fully digital, meaning ebooks, notability, and myHomework now replace textbooks, notebooks and planners. But the consequences of advancing technologically are displayed most notably in the hundreds of lockers that are now practically useless.

“I walk by my locker almost every day, and there’s just this awkward silence,” an anonymous sophomore said. “I don’t know what to say. I just don’t need it anymore.”

Many faculty members agree. “Lockers are just tools for students to crowd around and socialize near, and fun has no place in an institution of learning,” an anonymous Dean of Students said.

However, one can only imagine the turmoil of living a pointless existence. “My mother is a medicine cabinet with a drug problem,”  Locker #2156 said. “How do I explain this to her?”

Other lockers are voicing similar complaints. “For years, I’d always been helpful to the Rockhurst community,” Locker #3024 said. “But now I’m living binder to binder, never knowing when someone will use me again.”

“They’re outsourcing our jobs to the internets!” Locker #1138 said. “We need to take this school back from those tablet immigrants!”

An anonymous Principal had this to say on the matter: “It’s a shame that so many of our units are struggling these days; which is why I’m implementing schoolwide locker healthcare to accompany locker drug testing, which we rolled out a couple years ago.” In other words, the lockers will still get cleaned despite not being dirty.

In an effort to ease the tension around the school, many students are trying to find purposes for their pretty-much empty storage space. “I’ve noticed the lockers provide excellent back support when sitting on the floor during late starts,” an anonymous freshman said.

“I use it to hide things I don’t want my parents to see,” an anonymous senior said. “The lock doesn’t look as suspicious as it does at home.”

Whether lockers will ever have a legitimate purpose again, only time will tell. But probably not.

One thought on “SATIRE: iPads roll in, locker unemployment rate skyrockets

  1. It’s really a shame that those darned iPads are taking over. I worked so hard my entire life to provide for my family by providing work around the clock for students at Rockhurst. As a hard working member of the American Locker Association more commonly known as the ALA, I am shamed that we are losing are job to the Chinese. These iPads were not here first and obviously have no right to invade Rockhurst. I expect immediate action by the Rockhurst faculty to provide security on the borders of Rockhurst to prevent these iPads from further interference.


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